The Days of Swine and Roses

Are over.
So, yeah, wasn't I not going to write anything sad? Ok, maybe this is it, really. I've just got a little time on my hands and thought I'd jot down some thoughts on the end of 21 years.
Forced change is quite often good. For me it will be good regardless. Its so odd to stay one place this long. In fact its probably looked down upon. But the fact is the company has been good to me. I've had lots of opportunities and I've been exposed to a lot of different stuff. Whoever knew me in one of my many former lives would never suspect this is where I'd end up.

I mean really. A photographer and video dude in IT. And, I'm actually proud of the fact that worked in data networking. Routers, firewalls, load balancers oh my! Meh, I wasn't the best, but I did it.

So today is my last day here. My last day to be spoiled. No longer will I be able to come and go as I please, spout wisdom from on high, speak as the old man. That's kinda gone. Its good, other things will take its place, but this place will remain special. (and so yeah, I'm the dumbass writing this in my cube with tears in my eyes).

Closing this chapter. The new one is bound to be wonderful. I just wish this one hadn't ended so sadly.

Nerves

Sometimes people say you have to have nerves of steal. Sometimes people say it took someone a lot of nerve to do something. I guess from Nerves you get Nervous? Makes sense anyway. My nerves are a mess right now. I'm nervous, yet I know the answer.

I don't have the nerves to read my email. I'm making myself ill. I'm insane.

Trying for less sadness

Really. So I don't write anything for....however long and then its slit your wrists stuff.

The weekend was pretty rough, today a little better. Sunday morning was kind of tough, but I went riding with some Tri-Girls and REB, the honorary Tri-Girl. It was cold. It was very good to get out though and be with some very nice friends. I do however, wish for the day I can once again keep a good pace. Considering the cold and my lack of exercise, I guess I shouldn't complain.

Work today is very odd. Most people are cleaning up and leaving, not to return. Folks are finding out how long their services will be needed. I get the feeling that there is still a lot of guessing going on so I'm not willing to count on anything. Pretty sad watching people haul their stuff out. I'm pretty glad I have nothing here now so I can just walk out when the time comes. And, I'm told my time isn't for awhile, so that's nice, too.

Still however, you look at everything a little differently. Its tougher to tell your kid she can't do everything she's use to doing because we just don't know what will happen. While I think it is good for us, it does cause stress.

anyway....

So, maybe I should make a poll: how many weeks in a row do I have to ride to be able to say I'm riding again? I think it needs to be more than two. Gotta say it is really nice to be back out on the bike. We shant discuss the stats. I now need to fit back in my gym time so I can lose some weight. That would be great.

Maybe I'll post more, too.

And so it goes

Turns out, it is over. Its been a good run. Peace.

This is the End

You probably don't want to read this.

I feel a certain way and it is very hard to explain, but I'm going to try it as a monologue. See, my company is about gone. Well, it is gone for me. This is what is hard to explain.

We are not closed yet. We may not even close, just be bought. Compared to what millions upon millions of people have been going through, this is really a non-event (at this point, there is no final decision). So many people have it so much worse. Sure I'm worried, but these last couple of years you're kind of nieve if losing your job doesn't sit somewhere in the back of your head. But I'm not looking for sympathy, and I will be grateful if I still have a job next week.

Here's the thing, this place has been a big part of my life. Twenty-one years here. That's a long time. I have been fairly unhappy for awhile now, ask my friends. And, of course, my personality means I have complained all along the way. Somewhat normal. But, the past couple of years have been really rough and it takes its toll on you. Well, on me anyway.

Ages ago, people were "Company Men". Who you worked for kind of defined you. Seemed like it was almost like who you support in professional sports. Those days are long gone, but until the last ten years or so, people did still have careers that were aligned with a company. That has been the case for me. Didn't intend it to be that way, it just kind of worked out that way.

I came on when the company first started to really expand. There were some economic downturns, but we had been fiscally responsible enough to get through it and come out in a better position. It was fun. Naturally that couldn't last forever, but the company gave me many opportunities.

Today we will be sold. Maybe the company will still be around, maybe not. Regardless, it feels over to me. It really feels like the end of something special, something that I helped grow, in whatever small way. And I feel incredibly sad.